Positive Changes Might Not Seem Positive At First

Saturday October 20th 2018 I was lying wide awake at 1:45 in the morning. Questioning why in the world was I up when I had just went to bed at 12. I did the usual toss and turn, flip the pillow to the "cold" side and just closed my eyes as I was always taught by my mother when I was little. Nothing was working. Nothing I tried was even making me sleepy. I have always heard that The Lord will wake you when He is wanting to speak and talk with you. Especially when He feels like that is the only time you will truly listen.

This past year my relationship with The Lord has been foggy. I have always been completely transparent with you guys in my blogs, and that is not going to stop. So get ready for me to be real and raw. As I entered this year my relationship with The Lord had drifted. Challenges and trials came my way and I tried to direct them by myself. I entered into a relationship that I knew in the beginning was not sent by God, but I was in a dry season of life and it felt right so I kept pursuing it. Only to end up getting completely hurt and blindsided. But I am SO beyond thankful for this heartbreak. You see, I was leading myself down a path of destruction, but because God loved me more than I could even fathom, He brought me down to rock bottom. Just so I would stop myself from leading my life into a very very dark place. He cares so much, He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. Stood me on a firm foundation and steadied me as I walked along. But still, I felt like I had no where to go. I felt so lonely, unloved and worthless. For seven months I put my identity into a guy. A guy who lead me away from Jesus. Away from the truth, the life, the one who I should of found my identity in. Why did I think that this relationship was going to last when it was not God lead is beyond me. 

I drifted, I will admit it for the rest of my life. Those seven months I was all over the place. Were there times of complete happiness? Of course there was, for the first six months I was completely blinded by lust. Let me be the first to tell you the enemy can make sin feel really really good. But let me be the one to also tell you that the feel good moments only last for a season. The last month of the relationship I was covered in anxiety. I felt so helpless, what did I do wrong, why did he not love me anymore? I felt so worthless, so unloved, but for what? In God's word it tells me that I am loved by Him. He thinks that I am far more precious than rubies. I am a daughter of the One True King. Yet being in a season of sin can blind you from all of those promises. If my pain could help one person avoid playing around with sin, it would be 100% worth it to me. Guard your heart, set boundaries and DO NOT compromise. 

Compromising leads to catastrophe. You may not see it in the moment, because everything feels so good. But trust me, when he leaves, it feels like a little part of you left too. Don't get me wrong, I did not compromise on my beliefs, it is actually the reason he left, but still it stung. Still I questioned God. Why did the pain hurt so bad when I knew I was obeying The Lord. I thought that since I had followed what The Lord told me, it wasn't going to hurt, but I was so wrong. To be completely honest I think it probably hurt worse. It burned and it has taken time to heal and create that scar. Will I allow myself to reopen that wound? Of course not. I mean will it happen? Maybe, but I am going to try my hardest to avoid it and protect the heart that is so fragile and tender, just like God intended it to be. I think that is the problem now days, we don't truly understand how fragile the heart truly is. We don't see the heart like God does. Now days people go around giving their heart to multiple people, they constantly are restitching scars that God never intended us to have if we just listened and waited for what He lead us to do.

Not only did I enter into a relationship that was toxic to my relationship my The Lord, I had just finished competing and struggling with post show depression and some major body image issues. It comes with the sport and it was to be expect, but in this season of life I am working with The Lord and He is freeing me more and more everyday. With that, He is growing me in another area that I struggle in and that is hearing His voice, yes I have heard Him before but like I said, His voice has been foggy. But after this heartbreak that I now realize that could of been completely avoidable if I had just listened to The Lord in the first place, I am making it a priority to have daily intimate time with The Lord to just sit and listen. Since I made the decision, I was still having a hard time deciding if it was His voice, or mine, but on the very early morning of October 20th 2018 His voice was crystal clear.

I know I just announced that I was competing again this spring. And to be totally honest I still want to. I miss being stage lean, I miss seeing defined muscles. I miss it like crazy. But The Lord spoke to me and told me to back out. For the past month I have asked The Lord why more than anything. Why did my relationship end? Why am I struggling with body image once again? Why did I need to go through this season of life? Why did it feel like you are giving me way more than I can handle? I felt like I was getting absolutely no answer. Nothing, no matter how hard I tried to listen, I got nothing. Until 1:45am on October 20th. I finally heard Him. With all my questioning He responded with one question, He gave me an option, the choice was up to me. "What do you think would happen if you idolized me, like you idolized that stage?"


My world was shook, the question ran through my mind over and over again. I didn't fall back to sleep before my 12 hour shift that day. And throughout my work shift that question constantly ran through my mind. But something was different about this. Suddenly I had an answer in my mind. I needed to obey and sacrifice competing for a season of life to grow my relationship with The Lord. I needed to be reminded where my worth came from. I needed to be reminded that no one can love me more than The Lord does. I needed to remind myself that the only one person that needs my 100% full attention, the one person who 100% will never hurt my heart, The one person that I need to fall in love with all over again, was Jesus.


You may think that this was easy for me but to be completely honest it has been a rough week. I have had quiet the battle writing this blog because I still want to compete this spring. I still want to get onto that stage. But the moment I started doubting The Lord, He gave me the confirmation that not all positive changes seem positive at first. This is a very uncomfortable season of life for me. The past two years my life has revolved around fitness and competing, but now it is time to readjust my priorities no matter how uncomfortable this season of life is going to be. No, I am not giving up the gym, I still workout and still eat clean, but instead of idolizing the stage, I will be idolizing The Lord and everything that He has to offer. 

Will I ever compete again? I really hope so. That is the goal, I just need to fully listen to what The Lord is telling me to do. I need to grow my relationship with Him because I wandered. I wandered further than I had every wandered before, but the best thing is that when I hit rock bottom, guess who was there? Guess who was right next to me wiping my tears the night of the heartbreak? Guess who was right next to me with arms wide open, welcoming me back to be comforted in His lap? You see, that is what amazes me every time. No matter how many times I fail my Heavenly Father, He is always forgiving, He is always giving me a second chance. He is always covering me in His grace, His unfailing love. Do I deserve it, no way, but because God loved His children SO MUCH, He sent His one and only son to save us all from sin, His son died for you and me knowing that some of us will Never love Him back, if that's not true love, than I don't know what is. By realizing that in this season of life, I was reminded how worthy, how loved, and how forgiven I am. 

Striving for Stage

     Well, I finally feel like I'm ready to announce my next goal...it's been a restless few months trying to decide when I should tell all of you who have been following my journey. I was apprehensive when I accepted the challenge and wanted to make sure that I was fully dedicated and determined to take on this goal before telling the world. I'm the type of person who needs to have personal goals 24/7. But every goal I strive for needs to top the one before...You might be able to tell if you have been following my journey from the beginning. First senior pictures, then a prom dress 6 sizes too small with only 6 months of preparation. And now prepping for a show.

     Over the past year I have found an adventurous side of me I never new I had. I have completely changed. From hating mornings and refusing to workout during the early hours to mornings becoming my favorite part of my day and the time of day where I get the most done, from binge and closet eating every night to being overly strict on my macros, I have become a completely different person in the last 17 months. When the discussion came with Kendra, and she asked me what my next goal was, I had no clue. I mean she always mentioned a show, but I was always too self conscious, and didn't have total confidence in myself at the time. To be totally honest, this is why I kept it from my followers for so long. When we sat down and talked about it she brought it to my attention that I was already doing most of the hard work, I worked out six days a week, (if not more), meal prepped according to my assigned weekly macros and I had already proven to her that I could strut in some heels on my prom day. After she brought this to my attention my mind really went into a mindset that I cannot really explain. Basically I saw one goal, one challenge, one opportunity to prove to myself that I could be two percent of the population. Only two percent of the world will actually start and finish the entire prep process and I wanted that. I wanted to experience being part of that two percent.

     I committed to the challenge a week after prom. So in the middle of April I took on the challenge. The past 7 months have been a challenge keeping it from people. I mean certain people knew, some people found out, and it slipped out of my mouth a few times but what killed me the most was not being transparent with everyone. I told myself that I would be transparent with everyone throughout my entire journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to be real and raw so that everyone trying to do this can and will see that I struggle, quite often actually, but changing your body is possible.


     So many of you may be wondering why and to be totally honest it has nothing to do with posing on a stage, or showing my body off. Please understand that this is the LAST reason I will be stepping on stage. I am 100% doing this to see what physical, mental, and emotional strength I have. I mean we have already had some struggles, for example, finding out I was allergic to whey protein. I seriously thought that was going to end my possibility of doing a show. How in the world was I going to get in all my protein without being able to have a  protein shake. Shout out to New Dawn Nutrition for supplying the best vegan protein out there. Not only is my tummy so much happier, it's the best tasting protein I've ever had. Since switching protein I have had a huge craving to achieve this goal and nothing is going to stop me. I absolutely cannot wait to start my prep the beginning of January.


     Plus a HUGE shout out to Kendra. ( if you are a new follower and don't know who she is, 1. Read past blogs and 2. She's the best training anyone could ask for.) She has allowed me to be in every part of her prep for her upcoming show. It has been the most inspiring process to watch and fueled my fire to get ready for prepping for my own show May of 2018

     So many of you who I have told or have found out have been 100% supportive and I cannot thank you enough for all of the kind words and encouragement. I am excited to share every part of my journey with all of you. My Instagram stories will be the most updated but I will try to share and be transparent like I was with my prom prep.


XOXO
Brooklyn

We Earned These Tiger Stripes...

     

I think I could speak for all the girls in the world that we always have something about our bodies that we very much dislike, and for a very long time I could say that I did not like one part of my body. Ever since I was little I was over weight, most of you know this from my past blogs, or if you were at my graduation party and saw all of my pictures from birth to about seventeen. I got asked the question a few weeks ago if I am "just in love with my body now that I am 13 months deep into my transformation", and to be honest, my first response was no way, I have goals that I still am chasing after, and this next goal that I have in mind is keeping me on my toes and always challenging me in multiple ways. But right after I answered the question with "I'm getting closer to loving each and every part of my body" I caught myself thinking about that depressed 17 year old that never wanted to even step foot in the pool or even think about going to prom her senior year. That little girl that always struggled with binge eating, that girl who discovered her first ever stretch mark in elementary school. 

     That day is still so vivid in my mind, I was standing in the laundry room, took off my shirt, and there they were, bright red stretch marks lined the sides of my waist. How in the world could this be happening already, I was in the fifth grade, obviously never had a child, and to be honest I did not even really know what made a stretch mark appear...But obviously we soon figured out. To be totally honest, now thinking about it as I am writing this blog, this was probably the start of my many issues that I saw with my body. For the next six and a half years, those bright red marks that creeped up my sides caused many many mind games. But let me tell you after 13 months of choosing to eat according to my goals, those bright red scars that lined the sides of my waist slowly faded to a light pink. Don't get me wrong, they are still there, I still see them every day, but after these 13 months of slowly learning to love my body, I figured out that I needed to choose to love every part of my body. Yes, having stretch marks that line my arms, legs, sides and back is not what I had in mind for my 18 year old body. But every day that I look in the mirror I am reminded that I earned these light pink, fading to white tiger stripes. Let me tell you, the day that I noticed the bright red faded to a fleshy pink was the first day that I truly recognized how far I have actually came. May be shocking, but that day was only two weeks ago. 

     It wasn't until two weeks ago that I got the mindset to stop over consuming myself with body image. I'm just going to let you all know now that I had been really struggling with body image again ever since I got back from Seattle and my prom dress did not fit like it did the day before I got on my flight to Seattle. I realized I didn't need to worry about how flat my stomach was, or that I didn't have a thigh gap. I need to focus in how far I had come, and truly I needed to put every ounce of focus on my next goal. So two weeks ago I told myself to stop being so hard on myself, which ended up inspiring me to blog about it. To share with you and girls all over the world to stop being so critical with how your body looks. Stop scrolling on Pinterest trying to find out how that model got the perfect body. Stop stocking Victoria Secret Models on Instagram trying to figure out the perfect pose to show off the right angle for your next selfie. I can tell you right now, being a journalism student all throughout high school and attending multiple photography conferences, Photoshop is a crazy tool that can make a person look completely different. I can also tell you that almost every model is photo shopped so stop being so hard on yourself.

    Now, to the girl in back row of the classroom, trying to avoid every girl in the school because she is so insecure about how her body looks, and what other girls are going to think of her. Weighing herself daily hoping that the number that appears will stop going up. Eating only fruit, vegetables, and as little as possible because "that's the only way" that the number is going to start going down. Going back to binge eating because that is the "only" thing that she believes will grant her the comfort she is looking for. First off, hang in there. You are and always will be beautiful, you are Loved, you are Worthy. Believe it or not I was there. I never thought I would be able to look in the mirror and love what my body turned into. I never thought I would be writing a blog about how much I adore my "Tiger Stripes" and how every morning when I look at my hot mess self in the mirror and see those scars that line my waist and hips I smile because it is a constant reminder of how far I have come and how I never want to go back to my old lifestyle of living to eat and not eating to live.

     It was a simple change in mindset that changed my world. Are you going to let a simple scar that represents a battle between food or obesity over consume your mind and tell you constant lies about your worth? Or are you going to stop comparing yourself to others and believe that every single battle wound on your body whether it is from an accident, a simple stretch mark from carrying a child in your womb for nine months is a reminder of how far you have come and everything you have conquered? The choice is yours...

EIGHTEEN

I cannot believe it's finally here, the year 18. I remember dreaming of this day. Mainly because it was the day that my parents said I could get my own dog. But you all know they caved and I have two sweet fur babies. Besides the point life has flown by. I'm ending my high school career, starting nursing school, and trying to be an adult...some days are easier than others. But over these 18 years you could say I've been through some storms. But through it all God has taught me some things that have been life changing. So I though I would share eighteen little encouragements that He has shared with me.

1.You only need His love

You don't need satisfaction of others. You don't need to please others to find love. Find your true love in Him and your heart will be satisfied.

2.Dont have expectations for people who don't know Jesus

Having expectations for people who don't need Jesus is like putting your trust into a lifeguard that doesn't know how to swim. The more you don't have expectations for people that don't know Jesus, the less you get offended and it becomes easier to forgive the ones who have hurt you.

3.He loves you at your darkest times

When you are all alone. When you feel like you can't go on. When you feel like you have done nothing right. He still loves you. No Matter What.

4.Come to Him as you are

You don't have to clean yourself to come to him. He welcomes you with open arms no matter what you have done. He loves you and wants you to turn to Him no matter what you are going through.

5.If He brings you to it He will bring you through it

If you are called by Him to do it, He will do everything to make it happen.

6.He knows what's best for you

Sometimes trials hurt. But God knows what you need to go through. Sometimes it hurts but in the end you will come out stronger and your relationship with Jesus will grow

7.He's going to shut doors

If you are trying to pursue something that is not His will, He is going to shut doors to make it not happen. Yes, you might be confused on why it is happening. But in the long run it will all make sense.

8.He is going to take people out of your life

God knows who you need in your life. He is going to eliminate the people that are not good for you. People who make it easy to fall into sin. But be careful. He may bring these people back for a season of life. He may be testing you to see if you are going to trust Him.

9.Cling to the King

When things don't go your way. When you are feeling down and out. Cling to Him. Run to Him. Vent to Him. He loves to hear you

10.Jesus loves you more than anyone else not really but kind of

Jesus has the same amount of love for each and every one of us. We each are His favorite and we are children of the One True King

11.His plans are better than yours

Remember He has our whole life planned out before we are placed in our mothers’ womb. Every day is numbered. Don't try to control every bit of your life. If things don't go as planned. Know that everything is in His timing, and His plan is better than our own.

12.He strives to have a relationship with you

I've used this analogy before. But man I feel it is so relatable, so here it is again...Your body craves nutrition and exercise but it is not going to shout and tell you that you need to do it. You have a choice to take care of your body. He is not going to push you or keep reminding you to turn and follow Him. He simply is always going to be there, and when you chose to change He will be with you every step of the way. He craves your attention but sadly our world craves different things. Just like our body craves nutrition and exercise our God craves for a relationship with us.  Exercise and proper nutrition benefit our body if we take the time to pursue it.  And Christ will benefit our life if we just give Him our attention.

13.We fail Him daily but His love for us never fails

We fail to meet expectations every day. We sin on the daily. We fail. But God will never turn from you. He welcomes you back with open arms every day. Nothing is too big for our God to handle

14.He is with you every step of the way

When you feel alone and feel like no one is on your side know that God is with you in every situation. Cheering you on. Wanting the best for you.

15.Lean of Him for your firm foundation

He is your rock. If you lean on worldly things in life when the waters get rough you will sink. But if you lean on Him, a firm foundation, you will stand strong in the midst of the storm.

16.When you fall He will catch you

I'm going to tell you now that you are going to fall. There are days where everything is going to feel like it is going wrong. But know that God is right under you always ready to catch you if you are willing to lean on Him and cling to the King.

17.Sin is only satisfying for a season

Sin may feel good. But eventually it won't anymore. Everyone has a hole in your heart that is specifically designed for Jesus. When we don't fill it with Jesus and we try to fill it with things of the world we will never be satisfied.

18.Your suffering will come to an end

It may seem never-ending.  But eventually this season of pain that you are in is going to end. And in the end you are going to look back and be thankful for the situation because all of the pain that you went through didn't break you but you had many breakthroughs