Learning to Love Your Body

It's something that all women struggle with. Body image, loving the way they look. You stand in the mirror, starring, wondering why your stomach can't be flat and why can't I have a body like a supermodel.

I struggled with body image for 17 years. All of my life I was considered "overweight". It never really bothered me when I was little. Everyone said that I was going to grow into my body and proportion out. Then I went into the first grade. I can still remember being called fat by a girl in my class. I remember not being able to shop at the stores that all the other girls in my class would shop at because I didn't fit in any of the clothing sizes. I am not telling you this for your pity. I am simply sharing my story because I know that more girls are struggling with this. I sit in the front row of girls at school struggling with eating disorders simply because girls are determining their worth by what guys and girls tell them. I want to tell you that your worth is not determined by what other people tell you, but by what God says in His word.

I never really was aware of my body issues until I hit middle school. It didn't help that in middle school everyone goes through the awkward puberty stage, but being overweight really decreased my self esteem. And gym class.... what a struggle it was for me. But this is where I started to go to church. My parents just got divorced, feeling abandoned and worthless, I knew I didn't want to find worth in guys at school that really didn't care about me. So I found my worth in Christ. Through growing my relationship with Jesus I still had gluttony issues. I was a stress eater. Whenever I was in my feelings or stressed eating took that pain away. I struggled with this all the way into my junior year in high school... then I finally realized that I needed to change. I was not taking care of my body. I was stuck in my sin... and I needed a way out. You can find out how I did that by reading my other blog "5 months later". But in this blog I really want to focus on how I learned to love my body through this journey.

I want to start off by saying that if anyone wants to take on the challenge of changing your lifestyle to a healthy life style, it is a hard journey but such a rewarding one. I have never had so many up and downs in the past 6 months. You can ask my mom, she will 100% agree with you. There are mornings that I would lay in bed and cry because my body didn't change like I wanted it to that week. But that is when I turn to Jesus' word and hear what He says. I am perfect in the eyes of Him. Let me tell you that those days that I just lay in bed are few. Most of my days are filled with energy and joy because one, eating clean makes you feel so much better. Your body craves healthy food, but us as humans just want to eat what makes us feel good, or at least that is what I struggled with. 2. I have accomplished workouts that I never thought my body could do. If you ask any of my friends they would agree that I tell them that this journey is really almost all mental. Your mind is what is really telling you, you can't while your body can really take on so much more. God designed our bodies to be pretty tolerant. Once you see what your body is made of, you see that you can really lift ten more pounds than last week, it becomes addicting and your self esteem and confidence take on a new level. You learn to love your body and all of the imperfections that come with it.

Now this next part might shock you. I am going to try and be super vulnerable and transparent because I want girls to know that it is possible to love your body and not need a guys affection to feel good about herself. When a girl is confident of Christ's love for her she won't be desperate for attention from guys. She will understand that her worth comes from Jesus and true satisfaction can be found in Him. I thank Jesus everyday that I decided to not date in high school. I have been saved from so many heart breaks. I want to thank pastor Ty Schenzel for teaching me that Jesus loves me more than anybody else, not really but kind of. He was the one who challenged me to not date in high school. I have to say that it was the  best challenge that I have taken on. He told me that it would save my heart and I truly can attest that it has. But I would not of been able to do it if I didn't know my worth in Jesus. And how much He loves me. Through this all I have truly learned to love my body and all of it's imperfections. I feel called on a mission to spread this message because I see so many girls now days not loving their imperfections when really you should embrace them. I can tell you right now that the weakest part of my body is my abs. You will see me struggle at the gym all the time when I am doing any core exercise. But I will embrace the struggle because I know that I am growing and pretty soon it's not going to be an imperfection anymore. But the only way it is going to go away is if I embrace the struggle.

So girls... go embrace your weaknesses. Struggling is not the end of the world. You are growing. And soon enough you will learn to love your body and don't let anyone tell you different. You are all beautiful creations and daughters of the one true King.

Love and hugs to the little girls who never are told they are beautiful... you are beautifully and wonderfully made.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ---Psalm 139:14

5 months later

Five months, five months of pure determination, and dedication. Five months of pushing myself to new limits, trying new foods, and just getting over the fact that sometimes you are just going to have to drink warm water.

Five months ago I found myself in the end of my junior year of high school. Unhappy with myself and in denial that I was insecure with my body. I could not even walk into school without questioning if the girl looking at me was judging me or if it was just a coincidence that she was looking my way. Being a girl in high school is already hard enough. Having the "weight" on your shoulders of being insecure with your body is something common in girls my age, but at the end of my junior year I didn't want to have that "weight" anymore. I needed to take care of my body like God designed me to.  God gave me so many signs and bible scripture that this was the time. Time to take care of your body. Over eating was not what God designed me to do. I needed to look good for senior pictures, I had my whole senior year to enjoy. I needed to do this. Not only for myself, but to be an inspiration to other girls. Girls need to know that it is possible to be happy with your body, and you can change in a healthy way, instead of going vegan, vegetarian, or on a no carb diet. Trust me, I still eat carbs.

I had just watched my cousin drop 50 pounds with the help of Kendra Stauffer. I was amazed but I was at a time in my life I was so insecure that I did not want the help of anyone because I thought "I got myself into this mess, I am going to get myself out of it". But lets face it doing it on my own did not work. I had no self control at this point, and no accountability. So then I started watching my mom work out with one of Kendra's group, Swole Sisters (I still had never met Kendra, but thought I would watch a class), I have never in my life watched girls be so supportive towards one another. Picking each other up and not dragging each other down. This was probably the biggest reason I never went to the gym, I was so tired of feeling like I was being judged for trying to work out and become a better me. But when I met this group of girls they were so welcoming. This is when I finally met Kendra. Let me tell you I was scared, scared because I thought that she was going to be ashamed, ashamed because I was over weight at such a young age, but Kendra was the total opposite. 1. She was totally welcoming and never once did I get the feeling that she was too busy for me. 2. Never once did she think my age was a bad thing, but instead she was so supportive that I wanted to change my lifestyle at 17 years old. After the first time we met, I decided to try it out and "just see where things would go". 

So I guess I was hooked from there on out, but let me tell you it was never always sunshine and butterflies, the past five months have been the hardest days of my life. Not only was the training sessions, and cutting out all bad sugars hard, but I got some horrible news and my life was turned upside down just one month into my lifestyle change. My mom had a tumor, not just a tumor, but a tumor that was damaging her spinal cord. As many of you know, my mom is my best friend, and she was one of the people that kept pushing me to keep going when I just wanted to go back to my old ways and eat my feelings away. But I just found out that my mom is going to have surgery on her neck and spinal cord, and there was a chance she wasn't going to come out alive. I wanted to give up, give up not because I am a quitter but because I did not think that I was going to be able to handle taking care of my mom, meal prepping, and fitting in a workout schedule, but let me tell you Kendra was with me every step of the way. Every single step. If I would have a bad week with my water intake or food, Kendra never would drag me down, she would always find a way to bring out the positive side of things. I truly believe that God knew that I needed her to get me through my mother's illness. God knew that if I was going to get through it and keep my diet clean, He knew I would need her accountability, and I am totally blessed that Kendra has always been there for me.

As my mom keeps getting better, I keep pushing myself to get better. I will truly say that being half way to my goal is super exciting and this week hitting - 30 pounds since I started was like a breathe of fresh air. I though the day would never come, but over the past few weeks I have learned that the scale does not show the whole story. I would go two weeks without any weight loss, but the results in the mirror would be outstanding. I would be so disappointed when I would send in my weekly weigh in, but the great thing is, Kendra taught me to not be consumed by the number on the scale. Yes, it is a hard thing to do, but eventually I finally got the lesson.

I also want to talk about Dynamic Fitness. This is where I train. In my free time, this is where I am at. I was so intimidated by this place at first, but I was so wrong. This gym is really a family. When one person succeeds, we all celebrate. It is not a competition like many other gyms. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have congratulated me on my progress, and boosted my confidence. I never see myself going anywhere else to seek out the rest of my goals.

So this is where I am at. I know many of you guys have asked what I do to lose my weight, and I truly do three things, eat clean, drink a gallon of water a day, and work out. I am not starving myself like some of the girls at school think I am. I am not on a fancy diet, I just eat clean. All of my progress has come from the kitchen and the gym. I'm eating to live, not living to eat anymore. And let me tell you I am the happiest I have ever been, and cannot wait to reach the other half of my goals. I just want to thank Kendra again for sticking with me and pushing me to do things I never thought was possible. You truly are my person. (sorry if you don't get the Grey's Anatomy analogy)