Striving for Stage

     Well, I finally feel like I'm ready to announce my next goal...it's been a restless few months trying to decide when I should tell all of you who have been following my journey. I was apprehensive when I accepted the challenge and wanted to make sure that I was fully dedicated and determined to take on this goal before telling the world. I'm the type of person who needs to have personal goals 24/7. But every goal I strive for needs to top the one before...You might be able to tell if you have been following my journey from the beginning. First senior pictures, then a prom dress 6 sizes too small with only 6 months of preparation. And now prepping for a show.

     Over the past year I have found an adventurous side of me I never new I had. I have completely changed. From hating mornings and refusing to workout during the early hours to mornings becoming my favorite part of my day and the time of day where I get the most done, from binge and closet eating every night to being overly strict on my macros, I have become a completely different person in the last 17 months. When the discussion came with Kendra, and she asked me what my next goal was, I had no clue. I mean she always mentioned a show, but I was always too self conscious, and didn't have total confidence in myself at the time. To be totally honest, this is why I kept it from my followers for so long. When we sat down and talked about it she brought it to my attention that I was already doing most of the hard work, I worked out six days a week, (if not more), meal prepped according to my assigned weekly macros and I had already proven to her that I could strut in some heels on my prom day. After she brought this to my attention my mind really went into a mindset that I cannot really explain. Basically I saw one goal, one challenge, one opportunity to prove to myself that I could be two percent of the population. Only two percent of the world will actually start and finish the entire prep process and I wanted that. I wanted to experience being part of that two percent.

     I committed to the challenge a week after prom. So in the middle of April I took on the challenge. The past 7 months have been a challenge keeping it from people. I mean certain people knew, some people found out, and it slipped out of my mouth a few times but what killed me the most was not being transparent with everyone. I told myself that I would be transparent with everyone throughout my entire journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to be real and raw so that everyone trying to do this can and will see that I struggle, quite often actually, but changing your body is possible.


     So many of you may be wondering why and to be totally honest it has nothing to do with posing on a stage, or showing my body off. Please understand that this is the LAST reason I will be stepping on stage. I am 100% doing this to see what physical, mental, and emotional strength I have. I mean we have already had some struggles, for example, finding out I was allergic to whey protein. I seriously thought that was going to end my possibility of doing a show. How in the world was I going to get in all my protein without being able to have a  protein shake. Shout out to New Dawn Nutrition for supplying the best vegan protein out there. Not only is my tummy so much happier, it's the best tasting protein I've ever had. Since switching protein I have had a huge craving to achieve this goal and nothing is going to stop me. I absolutely cannot wait to start my prep the beginning of January.


     Plus a HUGE shout out to Kendra. ( if you are a new follower and don't know who she is, 1. Read past blogs and 2. She's the best training anyone could ask for.) She has allowed me to be in every part of her prep for her upcoming show. It has been the most inspiring process to watch and fueled my fire to get ready for prepping for my own show May of 2018

     So many of you who I have told or have found out have been 100% supportive and I cannot thank you enough for all of the kind words and encouragement. I am excited to share every part of my journey with all of you. My Instagram stories will be the most updated but I will try to share and be transparent like I was with my prom prep.


XOXO
Brooklyn

We Earned These Tiger Stripes...

     

I think I could speak for all the girls in the world that we always have something about our bodies that we very much dislike, and for a very long time I could say that I did not like one part of my body. Ever since I was little I was over weight, most of you know this from my past blogs, or if you were at my graduation party and saw all of my pictures from birth to about seventeen. I got asked the question a few weeks ago if I am "just in love with my body now that I am 13 months deep into my transformation", and to be honest, my first response was no way, I have goals that I still am chasing after, and this next goal that I have in mind is keeping me on my toes and always challenging me in multiple ways. But right after I answered the question with "I'm getting closer to loving each and every part of my body" I caught myself thinking about that depressed 17 year old that never wanted to even step foot in the pool or even think about going to prom her senior year. That little girl that always struggled with binge eating, that girl who discovered her first ever stretch mark in elementary school. 

     That day is still so vivid in my mind, I was standing in the laundry room, took off my shirt, and there they were, bright red stretch marks lined the sides of my waist. How in the world could this be happening already, I was in the fifth grade, obviously never had a child, and to be honest I did not even really know what made a stretch mark appear...But obviously we soon figured out. To be totally honest, now thinking about it as I am writing this blog, this was probably the start of my many issues that I saw with my body. For the next six and a half years, those bright red marks that creeped up my sides caused many many mind games. But let me tell you after 13 months of choosing to eat according to my goals, those bright red scars that lined the sides of my waist slowly faded to a light pink. Don't get me wrong, they are still there, I still see them every day, but after these 13 months of slowly learning to love my body, I figured out that I needed to choose to love every part of my body. Yes, having stretch marks that line my arms, legs, sides and back is not what I had in mind for my 18 year old body. But every day that I look in the mirror I am reminded that I earned these light pink, fading to white tiger stripes. Let me tell you, the day that I noticed the bright red faded to a fleshy pink was the first day that I truly recognized how far I have actually came. May be shocking, but that day was only two weeks ago. 

     It wasn't until two weeks ago that I got the mindset to stop over consuming myself with body image. I'm just going to let you all know now that I had been really struggling with body image again ever since I got back from Seattle and my prom dress did not fit like it did the day before I got on my flight to Seattle. I realized I didn't need to worry about how flat my stomach was, or that I didn't have a thigh gap. I need to focus in how far I had come, and truly I needed to put every ounce of focus on my next goal. So two weeks ago I told myself to stop being so hard on myself, which ended up inspiring me to blog about it. To share with you and girls all over the world to stop being so critical with how your body looks. Stop scrolling on Pinterest trying to find out how that model got the perfect body. Stop stocking Victoria Secret Models on Instagram trying to figure out the perfect pose to show off the right angle for your next selfie. I can tell you right now, being a journalism student all throughout high school and attending multiple photography conferences, Photoshop is a crazy tool that can make a person look completely different. I can also tell you that almost every model is photo shopped so stop being so hard on yourself.

    Now, to the girl in back row of the classroom, trying to avoid every girl in the school because she is so insecure about how her body looks, and what other girls are going to think of her. Weighing herself daily hoping that the number that appears will stop going up. Eating only fruit, vegetables, and as little as possible because "that's the only way" that the number is going to start going down. Going back to binge eating because that is the "only" thing that she believes will grant her the comfort she is looking for. First off, hang in there. You are and always will be beautiful, you are Loved, you are Worthy. Believe it or not I was there. I never thought I would be able to look in the mirror and love what my body turned into. I never thought I would be writing a blog about how much I adore my "Tiger Stripes" and how every morning when I look at my hot mess self in the mirror and see those scars that line my waist and hips I smile because it is a constant reminder of how far I have come and how I never want to go back to my old lifestyle of living to eat and not eating to live.

     It was a simple change in mindset that changed my world. Are you going to let a simple scar that represents a battle between food or obesity over consume your mind and tell you constant lies about your worth? Or are you going to stop comparing yourself to others and believe that every single battle wound on your body whether it is from an accident, a simple stretch mark from carrying a child in your womb for nine months is a reminder of how far you have come and everything you have conquered? The choice is yours...

EIGHTEEN

I cannot believe it's finally here, the year 18. I remember dreaming of this day. Mainly because it was the day that my parents said I could get my own dog. But you all know they caved and I have two sweet fur babies. Besides the point life has flown by. I'm ending my high school career, starting nursing school, and trying to be an adult...some days are easier than others. But over these 18 years you could say I've been through some storms. But through it all God has taught me some things that have been life changing. So I though I would share eighteen little encouragements that He has shared with me.

1.You only need His love

You don't need satisfaction of others. You don't need to please others to find love. Find your true love in Him and your heart will be satisfied.

2.Dont have expectations for people who don't know Jesus

Having expectations for people who don't need Jesus is like putting your trust into a lifeguard that doesn't know how to swim. The more you don't have expectations for people that don't know Jesus, the less you get offended and it becomes easier to forgive the ones who have hurt you.

3.He loves you at your darkest times

When you are all alone. When you feel like you can't go on. When you feel like you have done nothing right. He still loves you. No Matter What.

4.Come to Him as you are

You don't have to clean yourself to come to him. He welcomes you with open arms no matter what you have done. He loves you and wants you to turn to Him no matter what you are going through.

5.If He brings you to it He will bring you through it

If you are called by Him to do it, He will do everything to make it happen.

6.He knows what's best for you

Sometimes trials hurt. But God knows what you need to go through. Sometimes it hurts but in the end you will come out stronger and your relationship with Jesus will grow

7.He's going to shut doors

If you are trying to pursue something that is not His will, He is going to shut doors to make it not happen. Yes, you might be confused on why it is happening. But in the long run it will all make sense.

8.He is going to take people out of your life

God knows who you need in your life. He is going to eliminate the people that are not good for you. People who make it easy to fall into sin. But be careful. He may bring these people back for a season of life. He may be testing you to see if you are going to trust Him.

9.Cling to the King

When things don't go your way. When you are feeling down and out. Cling to Him. Run to Him. Vent to Him. He loves to hear you

10.Jesus loves you more than anyone else not really but kind of

Jesus has the same amount of love for each and every one of us. We each are His favorite and we are children of the One True King

11.His plans are better than yours

Remember He has our whole life planned out before we are placed in our mothers’ womb. Every day is numbered. Don't try to control every bit of your life. If things don't go as planned. Know that everything is in His timing, and His plan is better than our own.

12.He strives to have a relationship with you

I've used this analogy before. But man I feel it is so relatable, so here it is again...Your body craves nutrition and exercise but it is not going to shout and tell you that you need to do it. You have a choice to take care of your body. He is not going to push you or keep reminding you to turn and follow Him. He simply is always going to be there, and when you chose to change He will be with you every step of the way. He craves your attention but sadly our world craves different things. Just like our body craves nutrition and exercise our God craves for a relationship with us.  Exercise and proper nutrition benefit our body if we take the time to pursue it.  And Christ will benefit our life if we just give Him our attention.

13.We fail Him daily but His love for us never fails

We fail to meet expectations every day. We sin on the daily. We fail. But God will never turn from you. He welcomes you back with open arms every day. Nothing is too big for our God to handle

14.He is with you every step of the way

When you feel alone and feel like no one is on your side know that God is with you in every situation. Cheering you on. Wanting the best for you.

15.Lean of Him for your firm foundation

He is your rock. If you lean on worldly things in life when the waters get rough you will sink. But if you lean on Him, a firm foundation, you will stand strong in the midst of the storm.

16.When you fall He will catch you

I'm going to tell you now that you are going to fall. There are days where everything is going to feel like it is going wrong. But know that God is right under you always ready to catch you if you are willing to lean on Him and cling to the King.

17.Sin is only satisfying for a season

Sin may feel good. But eventually it won't anymore. Everyone has a hole in your heart that is specifically designed for Jesus. When we don't fill it with Jesus and we try to fill it with things of the world we will never be satisfied.

18.Your suffering will come to an end

It may seem never-ending.  But eventually this season of pain that you are in is going to end. And in the end you are going to look back and be thankful for the situation because all of the pain that you went through didn't break you but you had many breakthroughs

The Things I Wish They Told Me...

I am entering into my NINTH month of my healthy lifestyle change, and what a rollercoaster it has been. I want people to know that this process has NOT been easy. I mean people have told me "you make it look so easy", "do you even struggle at all?", "well we know Brooklyn will push the most weight" and I want people to know especially young girls who are trying this process, that I struggle too. I am going to be real in this blog. Going to be bold. But I just want to get it out of the way now; God has given me grace to overcome what I am going to talk about. Everyone can talk about their successes but not everyone can talk about their struggles and where they have stumbled. I feel called to share my story so that girls will understand that they are not alone. And for some of you this is going to be shocking that it is coming from me. Let's be honest, I was shocked too that I struggled with some of these things.

1.) STARVING YOURSELF IS. NOT. WORTH.  IT.

Never did I think that I would of struggled with this. Before my journey started I struggled with being a binge/closet eater. When I started my journey never once did I think about starving myself. In the beginning the weight was falling off quick, I lost 15 pounds in my first month, and I was happy with my results. Sure there were weeks that I wouldn't drop in weight like I expected or wanted. But I knew that was part of the process and Kendra always stressed to me that starving myself was NEVER going to benefit me, and would never be an option when training with her, but I am human and I stumble. As more of the weight came off, I came to a season where I plateaued. Talk about mind games. I was doing everything right and nothing was happening. I had a prom dress that I needed to fit in to and knew that prom was going to be here in a blink of an eye. So month 6-8 of my journey was pretty rough. The thoughts creeped in and pretty soon not eating was something that I thought about often. "If I only eat lunch, how long will that fuel my body?”, “will I be able to make it through the workout"...these thoughts consumed my mind. Never in a million years did I think I would give in, but I did. So for a couple days I tried it. Not eating so I could have a good weigh in. I’m just going to tell you now, in the end it screwed me over. The weight came back just as fast, and for a few weeks I gained weight. Plus the thoughts that came along with that were overwhelming. "I'm not good enough", "you knew this weight loss thing wasn't going to last", "might as well just quit now". I truly believe God opened my eyes, and going through another struggle led me closer to Him. He showed me that the enemy is going to try and win you over. Telling you thoughts that are not true. Telling me that I can't do this. And I am not beloved, but God's word obviously tells me that I am. The enemy was making it 100% harder to put those rice cakes in my mouth to get my carbs in. But the more I strived to listen to God and what He had to say about me, I am worthy, He made me, He looks at me and sees me as perfection. The thoughts slowly faded and I was able to get back on track. By no means did I deal with a case of anorexia, but it made me think of the girls that do struggle with anorexia and what they are going through. The suffocating thoughts that constantly fill your mind, girls know that this is going to happen. The thoughts are going to come. But God will catch you and pick you back up. Steady you as you walk through a tough season. (Psalm 40:2) A weight loss journey is more than physical training, but also training your brain to love your body. But please know, starving yourself IS NOT WORTH IT. Let me tell you some days are going to rough. Putting that fork to your mouth is going to be the hardest thing you face. But when you lean on God, He is going to carry you through, and make it easy to eat. Make it easy to get all of your meals in. It's not going to be easy at first, and through your walk of a healthy lifestyle the starving thoughts are going to come back. But my God is powerful and is more than willing to take those thoughts away if you ask.

2.) THE MIND GAMES ARE GOING TO COME...BUT THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT

I was trying to explain to some girls the other day how mentally challenging this journey can be. You can receive all of the support in the world and still feel insecure about your body. Especially since you live in your body every day, it is harder for you to see the changes your body has made. Know that your eyes can be deceiving. Listen to a compliment when someone gives it to you. Trust me this is probably the thing I am struggling with the most right now. How do you take a compliment without sounding cocky, or rude that you didn't acknowledge it? I always try to acknowledge the compliment. But sometimes it's hard especially when you don't believe them. So I'm going to apologize now for anyone that thinks I am not grateful for a compliment that you have said to me. It truly has been a struggle for me lately to respond to them. But please know that every single compliment or word of encouragement that people have said to me stays in my heart and most of the time those encouraging words are the things that keep me going. The mind games are such a struggle.  But then again I have a good, heavenly father that tells me that those thoughts are not worth thinking about. And being able to release those thoughts to Jesus is a refreshing feeling because He knows just the little pick me ups that we need to take them away. Girls, it is okay to take a compliment and it's okay if it is the best part of your day.

3.) THE SCALE NUMBER...IS NOT WORTH IT

For the whole eight in a half months I have struggled with this. Thankfully, praising the Lord that I have gotten better with it. Thanks to the constant reminder from Kendra. This number does not define you. It is literally just a number. It goes up when you gain muscles, when you are stressed, or even sometimes just to mess with those stupid mind games. I came to the conclusion that the less you worry about it, the more the number will stay the same or go down. At some point you are going to level out and that number is going to stop going down, while you start to lean out in other places in your body. But girls don't let this number define you. Look to the Lord to define you. He says you are perfection. You are worthy. You are His.

So to the people who criticized me of starving myself, I just want to say it is probably the most disrespectful thing you can say to a person who is changing their lifestyle to a healthy one. I spend countless hours planning my macros (carbs, proteins, fats) every Friday night or Saturday so I can have a successful week. To the people who say I don't struggle, I do. And I really hope that me sharing this with you all, lets you realize that everyone struggles even if you can't physically see it. The only, ONLY way I got through this was with the help of Jesus. I know this might be a shock to some people. This will be first time for many people hearing about my stumbles during my journey. Do I expect more to come my way? Absolutely. But I have no doubts that God will steady me through them. I wish someone told me this when I first started. So I want girls to know that it's okay to struggle with these things, and that on a journey like this you are going to encounter these thoughts. But don't let them make you quit. Make them be your motivation to keep pushing. Those people who doubt you let them be your motivation, because You are worth it.

We had ups..we had downs..but God was All around

2016...if I could describe it in a sentence it would be "a crazy roller coaster ride" but to be honest I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Looking back it is easy to say God was with me every step of the way, but in the desperate times where things were out of my control, questioning Him was something that I struggled with often.

One of the biggest challenges of 2016 was determining what I wanted to be when I "grew up" I am going to admit that I am a "planner" and to be honest some people say it is a great life skill to have, but I would have to disagree to an extent. Having OCD with planning is not always a good skill. The littlest things can throw my whole week off. When it comes down to it, 2016 has taught me to let go of the little things. If a change of plans come, just deal with it and move on. Let me tell you, this is such a work-in-progress type of change. You will still see me occasionally have a break down because things got messed up and I don't have my whole week planned out. (All my prayer warriors out there can pray for me on this on-going process) so to get on with me trying to know what I wanted to do, I asked and asked God what my calling in life was. And for MONTHS I didn't hear an answer. I even took 13 days of just relaxation and trying to hear His word on what I should do, but very quickly was I reminded that it was not in my timing but in His. During those 13 days we found out about my mom's tumor. When I found out about my mom's illness I put my priorities on the back burner and put all my attention on her. But in the midst of all the chaos this is when I heard God answer my prayer.

Nursing...I grew up always wanting go into the medical field, but I never knew what part. Through high school, I thought I wanted to do nursing but wanted to have it confirmed by God so I knew I was doing the right thing to glorify Him. To be honest when I found out about the tumor I did not instantly hear that I was called to be a nurse. It was actually the opposite. When my mom came right out of surgery I doubted God. Didn't think I was capable of being a nurse since I instantly broke down when I first saw her.(still to this day, I do not know if I would be able to do ICU nursing, those nurses truly have a gift to deal with really hard situations). How would I be able to take care of people when I cannot even take care of my own mother?Once I started to spend more days at the hospital and it was becoming more comfortable taking care of her that started to change. I found a passion to take care of people who were in pain and uncomfortable. Cleaning her incision, helping her walk, being there to talk to her to try and get her mind off the pain. God gave me the strength to persevere through the trial. If it wasn't for Him I can 100% tell you I wouldn't of been able to do it. He gave me peace when seeing her in pain and when I wasn't able to ease it myself. He gave me the strength to persevere through the next day when we were up all night long. I'd like to say for a full three months I had a newborn baby. He also gave me an unfailing amount of grace. Many days when I was on my own questioning why He would give me such a big responsibility to take on. God showed me that I didn't need to go through trials on my own. I could fall and He would catch me. He will stand by me on a sturdy surface every time I fall. During this time, there were days where I would just feel defeated, so one day I opened up my bible and Psalm 40:2 caught my attention. It states... "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." The overwhelming sense of "it was all in God's hands" came over me. God had already lifted me from my parents divorce, being "home less" for seven months, feeling unworthy and abandoned, and so much more... This verse was just another reminder that God was going to take care of everything, and that I did not need to worry anymore. I am happy to say this verse will be tattooed on me February 2017, reminding me daily that I don't need to worry because He is my steady rock that I stand on, and if I fall, He is going to be right there by my side to pick me back up and place me back on track.

After hearing Him answer my prayer I had a sense of peace that came over me...it's actually really hard to explain. I don't worry about the future anymore. God knows where I am going. He is going to open up doors and He is going to shut some. He is going to bring people into my life, and He is going to take people out, but it is my responsibility to lean into Him and His Word to hear what He is doing. I have found the more that I linger in Him, the more late nights and early mornings that I press into Him, the more peace comes my way and the struggle with questioning Him slowly has disappeared.

Now I am not going to say that this has all been easy, 2016 was such a trying year. With almost losing my mom to my new lifestyle change and everything else in between it has been crazy, but I would not of wanted it any other way. I learned that you don't need to be afraid to pray big and ask God to do crazy things. God is capable of doing some pretty miraculous things, we just have to be willing to ask, dwell in His presence, and listen in the silence that can sometimes be very uncomfortable. Most times when embracing the discomfort, this is when you grow the most... I can tell you that when I was sitting in the silence listening for God to confirm what I was suppose to do next, I was uncomfortable and frustrated, I wanted to hear Him right away and I wanted to know the answer in my timing, but in the midst of me being frustrated and uncomfortable I was able to learn patience. Not only has it helped me wait for other prayers to be answered but made me realize that God's timing is perfect and He will always prevail.