Saturday October 20th 2018 I was lying wide awake at 1:45 in the morning. Questioning why in the world was I up when I had just went to bed at 12. I did the usual toss and turn, flip the pillow to the "cold" side and just closed my eyes as I was always taught by my mother when I was little. Nothing was working. Nothing I tried was even making me sleepy. I have always heard that The Lord will wake you when He is wanting to speak and talk with you. Especially when He feels like that is the only time you will truly listen.
This past year my relationship with The Lord has been foggy. I have always been completely transparent with you guys in my blogs, and that is not going to stop. So get ready for me to be real and raw. As I entered this year my relationship with The Lord had drifted. Challenges and trials came my way and I tried to direct them by myself. I entered into a relationship that I knew in the beginning was not sent by God, but I was in a dry season of life and it felt right so I kept pursuing it. Only to end up getting completely hurt and blindsided. But I am SO beyond thankful for this heartbreak. You see, I was leading myself down a path of destruction, but because God loved me more than I could even fathom, He brought me down to rock bottom. Just so I would stop myself from leading my life into a very very dark place. He cares so much, He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. Stood me on a firm foundation and steadied me as I walked along. But still, I felt like I had no where to go. I felt so lonely, unloved and worthless. For seven months I put my identity into a guy. A guy who lead me away from Jesus. Away from the truth, the life, the one who I should of found my identity in. Why did I think that this relationship was going to last when it was not God lead is beyond me.
I drifted, I will admit it for the rest of my life. Those seven months I was all over the place. Were there times of complete happiness? Of course there was, for the first six months I was completely blinded by lust. Let me be the first to tell you the enemy can make sin feel really really good. But let me be the one to also tell you that the feel good moments only last for a season. The last month of the relationship I was covered in anxiety. I felt so helpless, what did I do wrong, why did he not love me anymore? I felt so worthless, so unloved, but for what? In God's word it tells me that I am loved by Him. He thinks that I am far more precious than rubies. I am a daughter of the One True King. Yet being in a season of sin can blind you from all of those promises. If my pain could help one person avoid playing around with sin, it would be 100% worth it to me. Guard your heart, set boundaries and DO NOT compromise.
Compromising leads to catastrophe. You may not see it in the moment, because everything feels so good. But trust me, when he leaves, it feels like a little part of you left too. Don't get me wrong, I did not compromise on my beliefs, it is actually the reason he left, but still it stung. Still I questioned God. Why did the pain hurt so bad when I knew I was obeying The Lord. I thought that since I had followed what The Lord told me, it wasn't going to hurt, but I was so wrong. To be completely honest I think it probably hurt worse. It burned and it has taken time to heal and create that scar. Will I allow myself to reopen that wound? Of course not. I mean will it happen? Maybe, but I am going to try my hardest to avoid it and protect the heart that is so fragile and tender, just like God intended it to be. I think that is the problem now days, we don't truly understand how fragile the heart truly is. We don't see the heart like God does. Now days people go around giving their heart to multiple people, they constantly are restitching scars that God never intended us to have if we just listened and waited for what He lead us to do.
Not only did I enter into a relationship that was toxic to my relationship my The Lord, I had just finished competing and struggling with post show depression and some major body image issues. It comes with the sport and it was to be expect, but in this season of life I am working with The Lord and He is freeing me more and more everyday. With that, He is growing me in another area that I struggle in and that is hearing His voice, yes I have heard Him before but like I said, His voice has been foggy. But after this heartbreak that I now realize that could of been completely avoidable if I had just listened to The Lord in the first place, I am making it a priority to have daily intimate time with The Lord to just sit and listen. Since I made the decision, I was still having a hard time deciding if it was His voice, or mine, but on the very early morning of October 20th 2018 His voice was crystal clear.
I know I just announced that I was competing again this spring. And to be totally honest I still want to. I miss being stage lean, I miss seeing defined muscles. I miss it like crazy. But The Lord spoke to me and told me to back out. For the past month I have asked The Lord why more than anything. Why did my relationship end? Why am I struggling with body image once again? Why did I need to go through this season of life? Why did it feel like you are giving me way more than I can handle? I felt like I was getting absolutely no answer. Nothing, no matter how hard I tried to listen, I got nothing. Until 1:45am on October 20th. I finally heard Him. With all my questioning He responded with one question, He gave me an option, the choice was up to me. "What do you think would happen if you idolized me, like you idolized that stage?"
My world was shook, the question ran through my mind over and over again. I didn't fall back to sleep before my 12 hour shift that day. And throughout my work shift that question constantly ran through my mind. But something was different about this. Suddenly I had an answer in my mind. I needed to obey and sacrifice competing for a season of life to grow my relationship with The Lord. I needed to be reminded where my worth came from. I needed to be reminded that no one can love me more than The Lord does. I needed to remind myself that the only one person that needs my 100% full attention, the one person who 100% will never hurt my heart, The one person that I need to fall in love with all over again, was Jesus.
You may think that this was easy for me but to be completely honest it has been a rough week. I have had quiet the battle writing this blog because I still want to compete this spring. I still want to get onto that stage. But the moment I started doubting The Lord, He gave me the confirmation that not all positive changes seem positive at first. This is a very uncomfortable season of life for me. The past two years my life has revolved around fitness and competing, but now it is time to readjust my priorities no matter how uncomfortable this season of life is going to be. No, I am not giving up the gym, I still workout and still eat clean, but instead of idolizing the stage, I will be idolizing The Lord and everything that He has to offer.
Will I ever compete again? I really hope so. That is the goal, I just need to fully listen to what The Lord is telling me to do. I need to grow my relationship with Him because I wandered. I wandered further than I had every wandered before, but the best thing is that when I hit rock bottom, guess who was there? Guess who was right next to me wiping my tears the night of the heartbreak? Guess who was right next to me with arms wide open, welcoming me back to be comforted in His lap? You see, that is what amazes me every time. No matter how many times I fail my Heavenly Father, He is always forgiving, He is always giving me a second chance. He is always covering me in His grace, His unfailing love. Do I deserve it, no way, but because God loved His children SO MUCH, He sent His one and only son to save us all from sin, His son died for you and me knowing that some of us will Never love Him back, if that's not true love, than I don't know what is. By realizing that in this season of life, I was reminded how worthy, how loved, and how forgiven I am.
